Ddlg

BPD

From time to time Daddy makes the comment that I only accept our dynamic when it suits me. I can appreciate why he feels this way. Fighting a borderline personality disorder sometimes causes me to become fixated on certain things. This makes it hard for me to focus on regressing and allow Daddy to administer the care we both need.

I am going to use the example of Valentines Day. For the last little while I have been very fixated on making sure that I get it right. Then I started thinking, and my mind ran away on me. I started thinking that in the past Daddy had told me that he didn’t like Valentines Day. Once I remembered that I desperately wanted to change all plans and forget that Valentines Day was coming and focus on the fact that Daddy doesn’t like it.

In our world, or more so my world, fixation comes with two sides. It can be good. When it gives me focus and Daddy is clear on where my focus is headed and can help me with it. Or it can be bad where I hide inside myself and Daddy isn’t able to find me.

When I climb inside myself I tend to get explosive. I depend solely on myself and my thoughts. Daddy can’t help me from my thoughts when I am hiding.

For all of this our dynamic does suffer and Daddy doesn’t get to see my dependents on him.

Living with a borderline personality disorder causes everyone around you to suffer. It causes me to close in on myself, become agitated for strange reasons, not accept touch, become fixated on things. But most importantly it causes me to hurt people around me by not being able to open up once I am fixated and closed off.

One of the most important things I have learnt about myself since meeting Daddy is that I have these behaviors. It never mattered before and nobody noticed because nobody paid this much attention to me. For that I am sincerely sorry to Daddy for. I deeply wish I could go back and learn these things about myself so that I could have worked on them better.

This wasn’t suppose to be an apology letter, but it seems to have turned into one.

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Ddlg

Daddys Birthday

I am laid across the bed completely naked.  Whipped cream covering both nipples, and pubic area.  New tail plug, that we have yet to try, inserted snugly into my anus.  Last “I love you note” placed on my stomach.

Daddy’s eyes blaze with approval the second he lays eyes on me.  Slowly he removes his clothing, climbing on to of me.

I know the start of an amazing evening is just about to begin.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DADDY! 
I hope I was able to make all of your wishes come true.
To many more ahead of us, I hope for nothing but good things for you moving forward this year.

Love, your babygirl

Bdsm · Ddlg

Daddy loves me

I have these days that come and go where I have bad thoughts and or nightmares.

They usually consist of daddy and another women (whom I don’t wish to discuss), getting together and daddy leaving me.
I know that it’s not true but when I get these thoughts they are very strong in my head and I have a hard time shaking the feeling.

Daddy is the kindest man in the entire world who will always go above and beyond to help these thoughts go away.
Such things as
-blow my phone up repeatedly with words of love and encouragement.
-Holding me tightly when I am having these moments, kissing my forehead and whispering in my ear how loved I am.
-Make my favourite meal and tell me “its Pumpkins sicky day so she gets sicky food”
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-Wrap me up in a blanket with my favourite stuffy and blankie.

Today he had me write lines and asked me to repeat it over and over until it stuck.
25 lines of Daddy Loves Me

There is no greater man then my daddy to help me through my terrible days.

I love you for all days daddy

Ddlg

Brat Mode

When he leaves the office after dropping me off at work, I pout unable to be happy about him walking away.    Jokingly I give him the finger.  Fire burns in his eyes at my reaction and I immediately regret what I have done.

He turns and stalks towards me and I run.

He continues to stalk through the office looking for me while I find the best hiding spot I can find.  Obviously he finds me.

He grabs me wrist quick and hard spinning me around.  3 quick spanks are administered followed by being forced against the wall with his hand around my throat.  He looks me straight in the eyes and I can see the predatory look and the unhappiness in his stare.

He pushes his palm against my clit and begins to slowly rub.
I melt unable to resist his touch.

Ddlg

…daddy’s two cents: spanking

…she let’s out one squee and another, and another with each blow of the paddle …another, and another and another. The squees turn into cries as each blow brings another sharp sting to her ass. But I keep going crack, crack, crack…

..another and another and another. Tears start to roll down her cheek, as I continue blow after blow.

…another and another and another I just keep going. Her cries continue and the tears are now a steady stream down her cheek. I lean in and whisper good girl princess as I land a few more blows. Her cries go silent while a small puddle of tears collects next to her cheek.

Laying beside her now and squeezing in a tight embrace. I love you baby. And a gentle kiss to her for head. You are always daddy’s good girl and I love you so much!

Ddlg

Punishment vs Play

(Spankings)

Both effective but both used for completely different reasons, resulting in a completely different reaction and or emotion.

During this post I am planning on comparing my opinions and feelings in regards to both punishment and play spankings.

Punishment
In my opinion I find the best punishment spanking is done with a bare hand, against a bare/underwear covered behind.  With the sub across the doms lap, a set number of spankings will be announced.  There will be no warm up, and the sub must count the number of spanks while the dom administers them.

This is not a turn on for me personally, nor is it enjoyable.img_2531

I find that punishment spankings if done correctly can be very effective.  Being laid across someones lap in a compromising position can bring me back down a notch.  It reminds me of my place and that I am not to think above my dom.  It can also aid in my little space a lot, reminding me of how small I am in comparison.

Play
Should start with a warm up readying the subs behind making it a more enjoyable and prolonged experience.  I enjoy play to be done with an arrangement of toys, constantly keeping me guessing and on my toes.  The different sensations caused by different toys can be a very rewarding feeling.  My favourite toy is the flogger, it administers a more “stinging” effect as opposed to a “thud” feeling.

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I strongly believe that while playing that constant praise is necessary.  It makes me feel like I can endure so much more from my dom.  Not only am I making him so proud of me but it gives me a head rush that makes we want to receive more for both him and for myself.

As the flogger comes down across my ass I feel in initial sting and I cringe, then an amazing warmth travels across the entire area where the nylon fabric has come in contact.  I melt into the heat patiently waiting for the next mind blowing lash.

Bdsm · Ddlg

…daddy’s two cents: rope play

I have mentioned to my princes on multiple ocassions that I was interested in rope play. That I wanted to be a rigger and she would be my bunny.  With great intrepidation she reluctantly agreed. Pumpkin even purchased me some nice nylon rope. And even tried using it a couple time and even though we were successfull we never really got hooked. I continued to be adiment that I wanted to incorporate rope into our play.

I had also mentioned some interest in learning some more advanced techniques including suspension. This really concerned my baby girl, she as a real fear of heights. So after several reminders of my desire we discussed it and agreed it was something we both wanted to explore.

After moving to our current home we discussed a desire to connect with the community and attend a munch or similiar “low key” kink event. We (Pumpkin) has been looking on fetlife.com for an activity.  Pumpkin and I have agreed we would like to meet other kinksters or another ddlg couples.

A couple weeks ago we were looking for an activity and found a rope in the park event. The significants of this event was not only the timing but the location. The event was held on a Friday evening, but even more significant at the park only minutes from our home. We would walk over after dinner with our newly purchased rope (story for another day).

We arrived at the park, found the other participants and introduced ourselves. We were welcomed and we sat down at some picnic tables and eventually started talking to the other riggers and bunnies. A short while after the event coordinators decided what they felt was best to help us with.  Pumpkin and I were new, we didn’t really know any tying methods.

The first knots I was shown were the single img_2446and double column.  I was hooked (I already
was), but I wanted to try more. I tied pumpkins ankles and hands seperately and together. The exprienced rigger taught me some additional tricks but I don’t remember all of them.  We enjoyed ourselves so much we have agreed to attend another rope event as soon as it is posted.

I had mentioned to the experienced rigger that I was also interested in suspension and we discussed methods to SAFELY achieve this.

We looked up some harness methods and immediatley tried one. It was even more fun and I look forward to further attempts to accomplish the bondage kink we both desire to add to our play.

Ddlg

Rope Play

Standing on the living room coffee table, wearing nothing but a pair of underwear.  I have never felt sexier.
Feeling daddy’s hands wind around me following by the prickle of the rope, the tension on the rope growing tighter the further along daddy gets.  img_2445As he stares up at me once hes finished his handy work he smiles with a twinkle in his eye “you look so beautiful”

Talk about an ego boost.

Strung to the bedroom door, rope binding both my hands and ankles with the joining rope hanging tightly against my swollen clit, waiting in anticipation for daddy to return.  Then I hear it, the tell-tale sound of daddy’s return. 

He enters the room, fumbling with something behind me, and then it begins.  Smack after smack across my back, legs and ass.  The flogger.  Daddy does not grant me any mercy as he goes to town making my body yet another wonderful piece of his art.  My body twitching img_2447with each blow, unable to move enough to escape but enough to rub the rope between my legs just enough to send a jolt of pleasure through my entire body. 

After what feels like hours of being on my knees tied at daddy’s mercy I begin to grow weak, baring all weight on the ropes and door.  Daddy continues to land blow after blow to my sore and marked body.

Both very separate and different occasions, yet both drawn together by rope play.

 

Ddlg

daddy’s two cents: trust in our dynamic…

I love my pumpkin. I love her with all my heart. Trust is a place were we struggle. I am willing to take some blame as I demand blind trust with little explanation for what my expectations are.

Trust in a d/s relationship are just as important as consent. I have her consent to do many things not on her “hard” list. But does she trust me to be safe… And what exactly is blind trust. Will she just close her eyes and fall expecting me to be there to catch her. Will I be there every time her pen goes missing. And when life’s struggles are pressing in, when her world starts spinning backwards again. It’s easy to say yes daddy I trust you… am I being unfair requiring her “blind trust”. I don’t think I am. However to scold or discipline her when she misses or makes me feel unworthy is just as unfair.

As our d/s relationship evolves, the definition and expectations of trust change and evolve. We will continue to work towards our own acceptance of trust…

Ddlg

Trust in our dynamic

Trust in the bedroom is easier than trust in life.

A true statement in how I believe I show trust.

img_2407Another true statement.

When I met daddy I told him that I wanted to let go of it all. “I want those choices taken from me”.. and in my case “for me”.  I want a man that can silence my mind, and understand me enough to make the hard choices in life for me.

I say these words but know that they aren’t words that I have been living up to completely.  Daddy and I met under extenuating circumstances which led to our relationship moving at a much faster speed than most would consider rational.  With that being said our dynamic hasn’t flourish into what we always dreamed that it could be.  We are still learning each other, our likes, dislikes, quirks as individuals in the relationship.  Let alone as a couple.

Trust has been a hard thing for me to relinquish, and for that our dynamic doesn’t thrive and move forward.  Anxiety controls a good part of my being and when it takes control trust suffers greatly.

We have started a new rule that when I shave my pussy that it must be inspected by daddy before it can be considered completed.  Sunday night daddy had me blind folded and spread across the bed.  He touched my pussy beginning the inspection, at which time I flinched and closed my legs.  Rightfully so this resulted in a slap to both my legs and both legs forcefully reopened so he could continue.  I am not embarrassed around daddy by any means, but I was very disappointed in myself for not trusting daddy and closing my legs upon receiving his touches.  This is something that I have vowed myself to work on.

Upon inspection I will count until I feel the warm touches of daddy, at which time I will count louder in my head until I have comforted myself enough to enjoy the feather light touches daddy always uses to drive me crazy.

I want so badly to trust daddy with all of my being, I work daily to trust daddy with all that I am. Daddy has voiced an opinion that he would one day like to be at a point in our relationship that without hesitation he will be able to request a command and I will immediately respond by doing so. I thrive to reach this goal for both daddy and myself.  I too wish to be at this point some day.

“He’d asked for her trust.  Had told her to put her faith in him.  That he’d come to know her boundaries, her needs and her desires better than herself.  If this was going to work she had to do just that.”

A quote from a book that I am currently reading.
A quote that rings through my head every time I remember daddy’s hopes and dreams for blind trust.