Ddlg

BPD

From time to time Daddy makes the comment that I only accept our dynamic when it suits me. I can appreciate why he feels this way. Fighting a borderline personality disorder sometimes causes me to become fixated on certain things. This makes it hard for me to focus on regressing and allow Daddy to administer the care we both need.

I am going to use the example of Valentines Day. For the last little while I have been very fixated on making sure that I get it right. Then I started thinking, and my mind ran away on me. I started thinking that in the past Daddy had told me that he didn’t like Valentines Day. Once I remembered that I desperately wanted to change all plans and forget that Valentines Day was coming and focus on the fact that Daddy doesn’t like it.

In our world, or more so my world, fixation comes with two sides. It can be good. When it gives me focus and Daddy is clear on where my focus is headed and can help me with it. Or it can be bad where I hide inside myself and Daddy isn’t able to find me.

When I climb inside myself I tend to get explosive. I depend solely on myself and my thoughts. Daddy can’t help me from my thoughts when I am hiding.

For all of this our dynamic does suffer and Daddy doesn’t get to see my dependents on him.

Living with a borderline personality disorder causes everyone around you to suffer. It causes me to close in on myself, become agitated for strange reasons, not accept touch, become fixated on things. But most importantly it causes me to hurt people around me by not being able to open up once I am fixated and closed off.

One of the most important things I have learnt about myself since meeting Daddy is that I have these behaviors. It never mattered before and nobody noticed because nobody paid this much attention to me. For that I am sincerely sorry to Daddy for. I deeply wish I could go back and learn these things about myself so that I could have worked on them better.

This wasn’t suppose to be an apology letter, but it seems to have turned into one.

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Ddlg

Daddys Birthday

I am laid across the bed completely naked.  Whipped cream covering both nipples, and pubic area.  New tail plug, that we have yet to try, inserted snugly into my anus.  Last “I love you note” placed on my stomach.

Daddy’s eyes blaze with approval the second he lays eyes on me.  Slowly he removes his clothing, climbing on to of me.

I know the start of an amazing evening is just about to begin.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DADDY! 
I hope I was able to make all of your wishes come true.
To many more ahead of us, I hope for nothing but good things for you moving forward this year.

Love, your babygirl

Bdsm · Ddlg

Daddy loves me

I have these days that come and go where I have bad thoughts and or nightmares.

They usually consist of daddy and another women (whom I don’t wish to discuss), getting together and daddy leaving me.
I know that it’s not true but when I get these thoughts they are very strong in my head and I have a hard time shaking the feeling.

Daddy is the kindest man in the entire world who will always go above and beyond to help these thoughts go away.
Such things as
-blow my phone up repeatedly with words of love and encouragement.
-Holding me tightly when I am having these moments, kissing my forehead and whispering in my ear how loved I am.
-Make my favourite meal and tell me “its Pumpkins sicky day so she gets sicky food”
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-Wrap me up in a blanket with my favourite stuffy and blankie.

Today he had me write lines and asked me to repeat it over and over until it stuck.
25 lines of Daddy Loves Me

There is no greater man then my daddy to help me through my terrible days.

I love you for all days daddy

Ddlg

Brat Mode

When he leaves the office after dropping me off at work, I pout unable to be happy about him walking away.    Jokingly I give him the finger.  Fire burns in his eyes at my reaction and I immediately regret what I have done.

He turns and stalks towards me and I run.

He continues to stalk through the office looking for me while I find the best hiding spot I can find.  Obviously he finds me.

He grabs me wrist quick and hard spinning me around.  3 quick spanks are administered followed by being forced against the wall with his hand around my throat.  He looks me straight in the eyes and I can see the predatory look and the unhappiness in his stare.

He pushes his palm against my clit and begins to slowly rub.
I melt unable to resist his touch.

Ddlg

Punishment vs Play

(Spankings)

Both effective but both used for completely different reasons, resulting in a completely different reaction and or emotion.

During this post I am planning on comparing my opinions and feelings in regards to both punishment and play spankings.

Punishment
In my opinion I find the best punishment spanking is done with a bare hand, against a bare/underwear covered behind.  With the sub across the doms lap, a set number of spankings will be announced.  There will be no warm up, and the sub must count the number of spanks while the dom administers them.

This is not a turn on for me personally, nor is it enjoyable.img_2531

I find that punishment spankings if done correctly can be very effective.  Being laid across someones lap in a compromising position can bring me back down a notch.  It reminds me of my place and that I am not to think above my dom.  It can also aid in my little space a lot, reminding me of how small I am in comparison.

Play
Should start with a warm up readying the subs behind making it a more enjoyable and prolonged experience.  I enjoy play to be done with an arrangement of toys, constantly keeping me guessing and on my toes.  The different sensations caused by different toys can be a very rewarding feeling.  My favourite toy is the flogger, it administers a more “stinging” effect as opposed to a “thud” feeling.

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I strongly believe that while playing that constant praise is necessary.  It makes me feel like I can endure so much more from my dom.  Not only am I making him so proud of me but it gives me a head rush that makes we want to receive more for both him and for myself.

As the flogger comes down across my ass I feel in initial sting and I cringe, then an amazing warmth travels across the entire area where the nylon fabric has come in contact.  I melt into the heat patiently waiting for the next mind blowing lash.

Ddlg

Rope Play

Standing on the living room coffee table, wearing nothing but a pair of underwear.  I have never felt sexier.
Feeling daddy’s hands wind around me following by the prickle of the rope, the tension on the rope growing tighter the further along daddy gets.  img_2445As he stares up at me once hes finished his handy work he smiles with a twinkle in his eye “you look so beautiful”

Talk about an ego boost.

Strung to the bedroom door, rope binding both my hands and ankles with the joining rope hanging tightly against my swollen clit, waiting in anticipation for daddy to return.  Then I hear it, the tell-tale sound of daddy’s return. 

He enters the room, fumbling with something behind me, and then it begins.  Smack after smack across my back, legs and ass.  The flogger.  Daddy does not grant me any mercy as he goes to town making my body yet another wonderful piece of his art.  My body twitching img_2447with each blow, unable to move enough to escape but enough to rub the rope between my legs just enough to send a jolt of pleasure through my entire body. 

After what feels like hours of being on my knees tied at daddy’s mercy I begin to grow weak, baring all weight on the ropes and door.  Daddy continues to land blow after blow to my sore and marked body.

Both very separate and different occasions, yet both drawn together by rope play.

 

Ddlg

Trust in our dynamic

Trust in the bedroom is easier than trust in life.

A true statement in how I believe I show trust.

img_2407Another true statement.

When I met daddy I told him that I wanted to let go of it all. “I want those choices taken from me”.. and in my case “for me”.  I want a man that can silence my mind, and understand me enough to make the hard choices in life for me.

I say these words but know that they aren’t words that I have been living up to completely.  Daddy and I met under extenuating circumstances which led to our relationship moving at a much faster speed than most would consider rational.  With that being said our dynamic hasn’t flourish into what we always dreamed that it could be.  We are still learning each other, our likes, dislikes, quirks as individuals in the relationship.  Let alone as a couple.

Trust has been a hard thing for me to relinquish, and for that our dynamic doesn’t thrive and move forward.  Anxiety controls a good part of my being and when it takes control trust suffers greatly.

We have started a new rule that when I shave my pussy that it must be inspected by daddy before it can be considered completed.  Sunday night daddy had me blind folded and spread across the bed.  He touched my pussy beginning the inspection, at which time I flinched and closed my legs.  Rightfully so this resulted in a slap to both my legs and both legs forcefully reopened so he could continue.  I am not embarrassed around daddy by any means, but I was very disappointed in myself for not trusting daddy and closing my legs upon receiving his touches.  This is something that I have vowed myself to work on.

Upon inspection I will count until I feel the warm touches of daddy, at which time I will count louder in my head until I have comforted myself enough to enjoy the feather light touches daddy always uses to drive me crazy.

I want so badly to trust daddy with all of my being, I work daily to trust daddy with all that I am. Daddy has voiced an opinion that he would one day like to be at a point in our relationship that without hesitation he will be able to request a command and I will immediately respond by doing so. I thrive to reach this goal for both daddy and myself.  I too wish to be at this point some day.

“He’d asked for her trust.  Had told her to put her faith in him.  That he’d come to know her boundaries, her needs and her desires better than herself.  If this was going to work she had to do just that.”

A quote from a book that I am currently reading.
A quote that rings through my head every time I remember daddy’s hopes and dreams for blind trust.

Ddlg

Helping his babygirl

After daddy helped me proof read my post, he could tell that I wasn’t in the best of places.  I had,had time to actually think about how I was feeling and reflect on it.  Leaving me with a pained look on my face and an ache in my stomach.

The things that ran through my mind are as such…
I had been moody all day thinking about the changes in our lives.  I love being daddies property.  For him to play with, fondle, touch and do with as he wishes..  Yet this morning when he went for his inspection of my shave job and went a little further then I was wanting I got upset.  I didn’t feel like being touched that way and it had left me feeling a little dirty.  I know that this isn’t the feeling that daddy was going for and he profusely apologizes for making me feel in such a way but that didn’t make the grumps go away.

I believe that we are at an adjusting point in our relationship where we are learning that yes I am his to have a hold but it is also a sign of respect to know when it is an inspection and when it is ‘ok to let those slippery fingers slide inside.

Throughout the day not a whole lot fixed my mood.  Daddy made me my favourite “sicky meal” Krappy dinner and dogs.  [gluten free pasta with macaroni and cheese sauce, and cheese sausages.. Yes we are gluten free].  This didn’t make me feel a whole lot better.  Then I thought I wanted some ice cream.. chocolate with peanut butter only to find out that we couldn’t make it because all the chocolate ice cream had freezer burn’t.
I threw a temper tantrum.  Kicking my feet, crying, being grumpy.  After a while daddy was able to calm me down and talk me into walking to the corner store with him to get some ice cream.  He got the best ice cream that there was at the store.  Ben and Jerry’s Peanut Butter Half Baked.  We went for a small walk with the dog while retrieving the ice cream.

I had even started to feel better.  Better enough that I even helped daddy take come of the garbage out to the curb, did up a few dishes and actually asked if we could sit downstairs on the couch together instead of me crawling back into my hole of a bed.

Daddy happily agreed

Ok baby you sit down on the couch and find something for us to watch or listen to while I get your yummy ice cream.  Pj’s first though please.

Off I raced as quick as lightning to get the pj’s on, bring Lily down with me and get some img_2385yummy ice cream.  Once the ice cream was all gone daddy ran us a bath.   Daddy says baths always calm me down and wrap me in a warm fuzzy blanket.

Then we crawled into bed together discussed the blog and agreed that we will have to come up with a way to work on both of our needs and he read me a very cute story until I fell asleep in his arms.

Ddlg

Lost in a sea of d/s

The last couple months I have been lost in our world of d/s.

I have been disobedient, defiant, angry, bratty, miserable and just rude. I don’t want to be this way but the day to day grind has brought our life to this point.

I haven’t been feeling the control of daddy over me and I just run around doing whatever I want. I don’t want a strict daddy but I do want to hear his words and do as he says. I want to feel his control over me without the bossiness.   I want a hand on my shoulder, or the glare of a look rather then the loud screaming and or spankings.

I want to feel the power of him over me and me to trust that he is always right, but I have lost a lot of trust lately and there’s a few different reasons that could be why that I am unable to put my finger on.

I feel more vanilla then anything lately. And I am not referring to in the bedroom I’m referring to or life in general.

More importantly I feel lost.

 

Ddlg

Swearing is a no-no

NEW RULE

Swearing is the ultimate challenge at this time to correct.  img_2276
Daddy has told me that he does not like fowl language coming out of his princesses mouth and that there will be punishment to follow such disrespect.

He has also informed me that his language will be cleaned up as well as mine.  He will start understandingly but I will be informed of when he has lost his patience and the punishments will be implemented and enforced.