Trust in our dynamic

Trust in the bedroom is easier than trust in life.

A true statement in how I believe I show trust.

img_2407Another true statement.

When I met daddy I told him that I wanted to let go of it all. “I want those choices taken from me”.. and in my case “for me”.  I want a man that can silence my mind, and understand me enough to make the hard choices in life for me.

I say these words but know that they aren’t words that I have been living up to completely.  Daddy and I met under extenuating circumstances which led to our relationship moving at a much faster speed than most would consider rational.  With that being said our dynamic hasn’t flourish into what we always dreamed that it could be.  We are still learning each other, our likes, dislikes, quirks as individuals in the relationship.  Let alone as a couple.

Trust has been a hard thing for me to relinquish, and for that our dynamic doesn’t thrive and move forward.  Anxiety controls a good part of my being and when it takes control trust suffers greatly.

We have started a new rule that when I shave my pussy that it must be inspected by daddy before it can be considered completed.  Sunday night daddy had me blind folded and spread across the bed.  He touched my pussy beginning the inspection, at which time I flinched and closed my legs.  Rightfully so this resulted in a slap to both my legs and both legs forcefully reopened so he could continue.  I am not embarrassed around daddy by any means, but I was very disappointed in myself for not trusting daddy and closing my legs upon receiving his touches.  This is something that I have vowed myself to work on.

Upon inspection I will count until I feel the warm touches of daddy, at which time I will count louder in my head until I have comforted myself enough to enjoy the feather light touches daddy always uses to drive me crazy.

I want so badly to trust daddy with all of my being, I work daily to trust daddy with all that I am. Daddy has voiced an opinion that he would one day like to be at a point in our relationship that without hesitation he will be able to request a command and I will immediately respond by doing so. I thrive to reach this goal for both daddy and myself.  I too wish to be at this point some day.

“He’d asked for her trust.  Had told her to put her faith in him.  That he’d come to know her boundaries, her needs and her desires better than herself.  If this was going to work she had to do just that.”

A quote from a book that I am currently reading.
A quote that rings through my head every time I remember daddy’s hopes and dreams for blind trust.


Helping his babygirl

After daddy helped me proof read my post, he could tell that I wasn’t in the best of places.  I had,had time to actually think about how I was feeling and reflect on it.  Leaving me with a pained look on my face and an ache in my stomach.

The things that ran through my mind are as such…
I had been moody all day thinking about the changes in our lives.  I love being daddies property.  For him to play with, fondle, touch and do with as he wishes..  Yet this morning when he went for his inspection of my shave job and went a little further then I was wanting I got upset.  I didn’t feel like being touched that way and it had left me feeling a little dirty.  I know that this isn’t the feeling that daddy was going for and he profusely apologizes for making me feel in such a way but that didn’t make the grumps go away.

I believe that we are at an adjusting point in our relationship where we are learning that yes I am his to have a hold but it is also a sign of respect to know when it is an inspection and when it is ‘ok to let those slippery fingers slide inside.

Throughout the day not a whole lot fixed my mood.  Daddy made me my favourite “sicky meal” Krappy dinner and dogs.  [gluten free pasta with macaroni and cheese sauce, and cheese sausages.. Yes we are gluten free].  This didn’t make me feel a whole lot better.  Then I thought I wanted some ice cream.. chocolate with peanut butter only to find out that we couldn’t make it because all the chocolate ice cream had freezer burn’t.
I threw a temper tantrum.  Kicking my feet, crying, being grumpy.  After a while daddy was able to calm me down and talk me into walking to the corner store with him to get some ice cream.  He got the best ice cream that there was at the store.  Ben and Jerry’s Peanut Butter Half Baked.  We went for a small walk with the dog while retrieving the ice cream.

I had even started to feel better.  Better enough that I even helped daddy take come of the garbage out to the curb, did up a few dishes and actually asked if we could sit downstairs on the couch together instead of me crawling back into my hole of a bed.

Daddy happily agreed

Ok baby you sit down on the couch and find something for us to watch or listen to while I get your yummy ice cream.  Pj’s first though please.

Off I raced as quick as lightning to get the pj’s on, bring Lily down with me and get some img_2385yummy ice cream.  Once the ice cream was all gone daddy ran us a bath.   Daddy says baths always calm me down and wrap me in a warm fuzzy blanket.

Then we crawled into bed together discussed the blog and agreed that we will have to come up with a way to work on both of our needs and he read me a very cute story until I fell asleep in his arms.


Lost in a sea of d/s

The last couple months I have been lost in our world of d/s.

I have been disobedient, defiant, angry, bratty, miserable and just rude. I don’t want to be this way but the day to day grind has brought our life to this point.

I haven’t been feeling the control of daddy over me and I just run around doing whatever I want. I don’t want a strict daddy but I do want to hear his words and do as he says. I want to feel his control over me without the bossiness.   I want a hand on my shoulder, or the glare of a look rather then the loud screaming and or spankings.

I want to feel the power of him over me and me to trust that he is always right, but I have lost a lot of trust lately and there’s a few different reasons that could be why that I am unable to put my finger on.

I feel more vanilla then anything lately. And I am not referring to in the bedroom I’m referring to or life in general.

More importantly I feel lost.



Swearing is a no-no


Swearing is the ultimate challenge at this time to correct.  img_2276
Daddy has told me that he does not like fowl language coming out of his princesses mouth and that there will be punishment to follow such disrespect.

He has also informed me that his language will be cleaned up as well as mine.  He will start understandingly but I will be informed of when he has lost his patience and the punishments will be implemented and enforced.


Update after (enter how many decades its been her) months..

What a roller coaster it has been..
Lets start with the mental health side of the roller coaster.  I have recently been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder.  *light bulb goes on*.. It really explains my entire personality.

my entire life I thought I was just that person who got insanely jealous all the time, thought people were always being mean to them, got upset over the silliest of things..  Turns out its not completely my fault.

Daddy has handled the situation amazingly and I couldn’t be more lucky.  We have implemented a lot of new routines into our lives in order to make this possible.
Daddy now wakes up earlier then me on the mornings that I work days and gets my lunch ready, gets my clothes together, gets all of our animals moving, and makes me breakfast.  If only he understood how much of a big help this really is to me.  Since I started taking my new medications, mornings are my mortal enemy.  I am groggy, cranky, miserable and every angry emotion in between.  But I can always rely on daddy to make sure that I am at work on time regardless of what I am putting him through.  Not only does he make it happen but he does it with a smile.

Other routines that we have started are:
I am to shower on the days that I don’t work days.  That way I don’t slip and fall in the shower while still waking up.  Yes it has happened.
We always make sure to be in bed by 9:30.  He reads my a bedtime story and puts me to sleep immediately after.
The last routine is the timing of the medication.. he always makes sure that I receive it as early as possible so that I am able to fall asleep as early as possible.

Yesterday was a huge deal of a mental health day.  A lady from work stole my pen.
I know that to most this is a very little issue.
To me it was like the sky was falling and I was going to be crushed alive and there was nothing I could do about it.
Daddy was an absolute saint.  He talked me into breathing slower.. (which I will admit I fought and didn’t want to do), he left work early when I finally made it out of the store and didn’t have the ability to drive home alone.  He took me into the mall where we walked around until I was a little calmer, the whole time hugging me and telling me

“You a good girl and it was so mean to the lady to take your pen.  Nobody should treat my baby that way, they have no idea how much that pen meant to you.”

Which he is very right about, nobody does understand how important that pen was to me…
It was a very inexpensive pen and wasn’t a good looking pen but it was my pen.  It felt right in my hand, I loved the way it wrote.  It was mine.  I was so attached to that pen that I had bought replacement ink (that took me forever to find) so that the pen would last forever.

By the end of the night I thought I was crazy for having these feelings.  Daddy talked me off yet another invisible ledge and explained that it was part of my makeup and that the pen was part of my every day life.

I know baby, that pen was very important to you.  No you are not crazy for being attached to your pen.  It was a special pen to you, you have had it for a very long time.  It was perfect for your little hands, it was yours, you took it everywhere with you.  When you lost it the whole world fell apart baby, I know.  It was part of your organization and that’s a huge part of who you are..  You need organization in your life.

Can we all please just take a minute a think about how amazing my daddy is.  Not too many people would leave work early over a pen, then go out of their way to make sure you had a new one to go to work with today..  On top of that change the ink in a bunch of pens that you always have a backup.

I love you daddy so much.
I have no idea where my life would be without you.