Internal War

When I was 14 I lost my ovary.. When I was 24 I was diagnosed with poly-cystic ovarian syndrome.  I was told that it would be difficult for me to conceive a child on my own and that if I ever was able to that I would have to do it before I was 30 thus resulting in my chances which aren’t that good to begin with to decrease by another 50%.

Daddy got a vasectomy making his chances of baring another child without medical attention impossible.

For the past little while Daddy and I have been seriously discussion the option of having a child.  Right now we are just in the discussion process, mostly because I am a yo-yo who is unable to decide if the thought of having a child giving our circumstance is a good idea.

[Backstory] When daddy and I first met he was in an unhappy relationship and I was a friendly ear that always was willing to listen.  I admit that due to his being married that we probably pushed our limits a little further then we should have, and we both live with that daily.  None the less once his marriage ended, which was shortly after we met, he moved in with me and we are working towards our happily ever after ever since.  Due to how we met, people in Daddy’s family have deemed me a horrible person who was only out to ruin a marriage.

When discussing having a child I am left wondering if its a good idea due to the way that Daddy’s family views me.  What will happen when they have family events?  Will my child be welcome?  And if so will I have to not attend?  If the child isn’t welcome what will happen when it has to hear about such events from its other siblings?  Will it be left not knowing its other family and only hearing about them through sibling and not understanding why its not excepted?


Bdsm · Ddlg

Lacking Dedication

I have learnt over many attempts that I am always going to lack dedication when it comes to exercise.  I have asked for Daddy’s help but we can’t really agree on a way that would make me do it.

Does anyone else have a problem with this and what are some ways that they get motivation, or their Daddy’s enforce this?


When Little Space is Needed

Daddy has kids.  Kids that I adore but when I get into my “scared frame of mind” I need the space and time to be little and bring myself back down.  Daddy doesn’t always understand this. He thinks that I should come down and be social with everyone but I just can’t bring myself to want to or to be able to. Unfortunately during the times that I remove myself from them I also remove myself from Daddy which i hate.  I end up sitting in our bedroom, wrapped in our blanket, face drenched with my own tears of sorrow.

I don’t always like having a Daddy that has kids.  When they come over he isn’t mine and when he is mine he isn’t there.  We have to separate everything in our lives and I know its necessary but it’s hard.

I am aware of the huge amount of selfishness I show when I am this way but I can’t help it.

I don’t always like having a Daddy that has kids.



We have come up with a couple plans that we are both hoping will help.  We are going to go back to using Trello again.  This time without the silly, “do the dishes, walk the dog” kinda stuff that was on it before.  I already know that these things need to be done, I have terrible OCD and that wasn’t what I needed to know.  I do on the other hand need to be kept on track with things that aren’t every day activities.. Like vacuum the upstairs/downstairs, windex windows, mirrors.  The things that you don’t always see need to be done, but if you do them will feel so much better.  something else that may be good to add to Trello is a water count.  I can check off a cup after I finish it.

We are also discussing the idea of chalk boards so that we can write daily notes to each other that can either be love notes or daily things that need to be done notes.  I look more forward to the love notes. Hehe.  Another board will be for weekly tasks and appointments so that we aren’t forgetting things and daddy can keep track of the things that are going on, plus one more for weekly meals.  The one downfall to this is that daddy likes surprise meals so that’s something else that we are going to have to discuss.

I had asked about a Daddy and baby girl journal that we can daily write our thoughts to each other in but daddy suggested that it be done online.  I am not sure how he plans for this to pan out but I will have to wait and see.

Daily thoughts:  If we are actually able to go through with these ideas and maybe some more I will be overjoyed.  For a long time I have been missing my daddy and his presence in my life.  We are very much separate from each other at the moment in our day to day lives and it’s killing me.  I need him more then ever and I want him to be a controlling power over me at all times.  Daddy has made the discussion to continue to take my internet and phone away daily at 10 pm in order to help me sleep more consistently.   I was told when I was first diagnosed with anxiety that removing things like your phone an hour before bedtime was a good idea.  It removes the light and helped you get into a deeper sleep faster without the distraction. 



We have hit a bit of a rough patch.  Or maybe its just that I have hit a bit of a rough patch.

My anxiety and depression have resurfaced with vengeance.  I am having “cloudy” thoughts that scare the loved ones around me.  I am being moody, angry, distant, I have been yelling unnecessarily at Daddy.  I don’t mean to be acting like a bitch but its what I am acting like.

I miss him a lot.  I find that lately I haven’t felt his presence.  We don’t get the chance to see each other a lot, we work completely different hours from each other and it seems that the only reason we are staying together is to have someone to share the rental costs with and a bed.  There is more to life then that I would imagine..?

I have been suggesting different ways for Daddy to feel more present in my life.  I had suggested a daily check list that we can work on together..  Throughout the day I could check things off, maybe get stickers and pretty coloured markers so that I could make it pretty and get really into it.. never happened.  I asked about joining a “little’s school” so that Daddy could make sure that I do some of my “school work” daily.. never happened.

Maybe I am being too critical and it’s that I am in a funk that I am finding these flaws in the outcome of “feeling my Daddy when he can’t actually be there”  or maybe it’s the flaws in the outcome that are causing my funk..